


Sound Of Silence

by OnlyZouzou



Series: I misinterpreted this [4]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Gabriel's cardiguan, Missing Scene, POV Bellamy Blake, Radio Calls, The 100 (TV) Season 6, and now Bellamy can hear them, because they were sucked into the anomaly of course, canon-compliant-ish, rewriting my old fic with the best beta on earth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-11
Updated: 2020-05-11
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:08:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24130357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnlyZouzou/pseuds/OnlyZouzou
Summary: 610 - The Anomaly absorbs and relays the lost radio signals and I can't think of anything else but Clarke's 2199 missed calls to Bellamy
Relationships: Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin
Series: I misinterpreted this [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1674193
Comments: 7
Kudos: 129





	Sound Of Silence

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! So, fun fact, I got (gently) bullied last year when I said on twitter "hey, this tower with all the radios looks so strange, maybe Bellamy will hear Clarke's call after all!" and I was pissed so I wrote this. And now that we know more about the anomaly and how it's connected to Earth and how it sucks all radio signal, all my timeline is like "OMG Bellamy is going to hear Clarke's calls" Ha!
> 
> It seems the perfect time to rewrite this and give it to my lovely Beta Lili. It's much better now. If Bellarke isn't endgame after all of this, I'll have at least progressed in English! 
> 
> Zouzou kom ClownKru

Bellamy refused to sleep, refused to rest, refused to close his eyes, and refused to let Clarke out of his sight. He couldn’t leave her bedside, couldn’t look away, couldn’t stop his mind from spinning and spinning and spinning. He couldn’t stop it from singing the potent chant of his thoughts; thoughts that were whispering that he'd almost lost her again. That he had lost her, once, twice, three times. That he got her back, once, twice, three times. Knowing that odds couldn’t always be in their favor was overwhelming. He was sure that, one day, he would lose her for the fourth time, that he would lose her for good and nothing would ever bring her back to him... 

His exhaustion was clouding his mind and made him more vulnerable, more emotional, more raw than usual. He had just been shredded by life but refused to heal, not yet. He'd rather suffer than let Clarke slip away from his watch once again...

How long had it been since he’d last slept?

Long hours were merging and turning into days. They landed on this moon seven days ago. Only seven days... The events that had taken place since their landing were all blurred together.

How many hours had it been since he realized Clarke wasn't herself?

How many hours spent thinking she was dead?

How many days fighting to get her back?

All these hours spent without sleep.

When Gabriel offered to move Clarke from the operating table to his bed, Bellamy immediately stood up to carry her. Ignoring his exhaustion was easy, then. Clarke tightened her grip around his neck and he lifted her into his arms as easily as if she were a part of him. He gently laid her down on the mattress and her hand slid from his shoulder and along his arm to his. Her fingers intertwined with his own to hold him back and he couldn’t even resist. The pressure of her hand reminded him that she was here. Her touch soothed him instantly. He didn’t know if he'd ever be able to let her go. 

Sleep overtook her as soon as her head hit the pillow. Her words were tired as she whispered:

"You need to sleep too, Bellamy."

Her heavy, half-closed eyelids were betraying her exhaustion. 

"We still have a lot to do," she reminded him. "Our friends need us."

He didn't answer. Arguing now would have served no purpose other than to keep her on edge and he knew she needed to rest. When her eyes finally closed to lead her to a sleep that he hoped deep and quiet, he stayed awake, consumed by doubts, tormented by questions that never completely left him:

Will Clarke be the one looking at him when she'd open her eyes?

What if her brain had suffered permanent damage during the battle she and Josephine fought to gain control of her body? 

What if she had a stroke in her sleep and never woke up?

What if her heart stopped again and he wasn't there to revive her?

"She's fine," Gabriel said, seeming to guess his inner torment. "You saved her by giving her CPR. Her brain activity is back to normal, there are no complications," he explained factually.

Bellamy was grateful for his comforting words and wondered for a second how he did it. He'd just lost the love of his life and yet he remained unfazed. He didn't collapse. He didn't break. The tears Bellamy saw running down Gabriel’s cheeks as he said his last goodbyes stopped as soon as Josephine closed her eyes and Clarke reopened hers.

Bellamy ran a hand over his tired face, noticing that his cheeks were still wet with the tears he gave up holding back when Clarke's heart refused to start beating again, crushing his own heart into his chest and leaving it broken and shattered. He dried them with his trembling fingers before reattaching them around her palm.

Minutes flew by and he still hadn't moved an inch. Time no longer mattered. Only Clarke's deep breaths and the steady lifts of her chest seemed to measure time. When his eyes started to close by themselves, his sister gave him the final push he needed.

"You need to rest, Bell. Use one of the tents outside. I swear if there's anything new, I'll come and get you right away," she said, and he could already feel his last defenses cracking. "I won't leave her side, I promise," she added, and finally, despite his lingering anger towards his sister and her past betrayals, his reluctance faded.

He stood up and his whole body shouted out in pain. His limbs were tense from the time he’d stood still, his muscles exhausted from what his frantic race to save Clarke had done to them. However, he didn't regret a thing. He gently removed a golden lock of hair from her lashes and couldn't help but think that for once, the end had justified the means.

Gabriel's threats (something about sedatives and a promise to carry him on his shoulders to get him out of here) didn't even have time to reach him, Bellamy was already walking with heavy steps towards the exit of the tent.

On the way from Clarke's bedside to his bed, he didn't pay much attention to his surroundings. He was too tired to notice the haunting and unpleasant sounds that never seemed to stop. Too exhausted to ask himself what the strange tower surrounded by lit radios was. Too upset to try to discern coherent sentences among the thousands of words that were looping around on their transmitters.

Bellamy stumbled into the closest tent and crashed into the makeshift bed there. He didn't bother to take off his clothes or shoes, his eyes closed as soon as his body touched the mattress.

His sleep was neither serene nor soothing. His dreams were restless and full of unspoken words and regrets. Even in the arms of Morpheus, his worries never left him.

His friends' faces were merging. On their blurry features, he could see their anguish, their anger, their despair. It was his fault. His fault if they were threatened; his fault if they were in danger; his fault if they were suffering. 

In his nightmares, he offered them the right to be resentful. He allowed the guilt to overwhelm him.

In his nightmares, his family was dying and disappearing because he had chosen to risk everything to save only one person; because he had left everyone behind to follow an impulse; because he had decided to rescue Clarke.

Yet was it even a choice? Was it a decision he made in full consciousness?

_ No. _

Saving Clarke was a duty, an instinct, a need that was imposing itself on Bellamy and against which he didn't- wouldn't know how to fight, how to let his head lead his heart. It was the only choice he could make, the one he'd make again without a second's hesitation, even though he was now aware of the consequences. He would save her again and again. 

_ Always. _

The truth was weighing each of his actions and thoughts and even in his dreams, it seems. He didn't know how to exist without Clarke, even though he'd been playing this facade for the last six years. He couldn't lose her anymore. He couldn't let her go. He needed her.

That’s why he woke up immediately when he heard Clarke calling his name. The broken and desperate way she stumbled over the syllables made him jump to his feet the second her voice reached him. His heart was beating so fast that he was afraid it would explode in his chest. The more Clarke kept calling him, despair palpable in her voice, the more panic was filling his whole being.

"Bellamy, Bellamy, Bellamy", she repeated and the closer he got, the more he recognized the emotions she was trying to contain.

He was just about to enter Gabriel's tent when she said the next words:

"Where are you, Bellamy?"

He stopped sharply and turned around, looking for her behind him, looking for where her voice was coming from.

"Why don't you come home? Why don't you come back to me? It's been 1857 days now. Earth has been safe for a month, but I'm still-"

He moved towards the radio tower and the sound of her voice increased, almost drowned out by the other communications, but still clearly identifiable.

"I feel so alone, Bellamy. I know how lucky I am to have Madi around, but it's not the same. I miss you so much... I miss you all and I-"

Communication cuts off and he couldn't stop the impulse that pushed him closer to the tower, nor the cry of frustration that escaped him. His brown eyes were frantically searching for the radio that was broadcasting these messages from another time, another planet, another life. He didn't even stop to wonder how this was even possible. It had been a long time since he stopped looking for explanations for all the crazy things that were happening to him.

He was walking around the monument when Clarke's voice echoed again. He stared at the red radio light as if he could see her through space and time.

"Bellamy, it's been 350 days since Praimfaya. It should be winter, but it's like the seasons are gone. Too bad, I wish I could have enjoyed the snow now that there is no life-threatening danger to-"

The talkie turned off and his heart broke, violently struck by a need he didn't know he had, to know more, to know  _ everything _ .

"No, no, no..."

His whispers were interrupted by another message of which he only understood a few fragments.

"...a true child of hell, Bellamy. A fierce and brazen little warrior. She doesn't want help, no attention, no kindness. Yesterday, I offered to brush her hair, I thought she was going to make me eat the comb..."

Clarke laughed. That light and spontaneous laugh he too rarely heard. He didn't know until now how much he missed it. The radio went off and another went on.

"...Monty must have started the algae farm now, tell me how bad it sucks, no offense, Monty..."

Then another one.

"...the bunker is silent too, we tried to dig it up, but there's too much rubble..."

Another one.

"At last, I have hope. Tell Raven to aim for the only green spot..."

And again.

"In case this is the last time I can do this: please don't feel guilty for leaving me here. You did what you had to do. I'm proud of you."

Bellamy was running from one radio to another...

"Maybe Jasper was right. What's the point of all this if all we get is pain and suffering?"

...guided by the sound of Clarke's voice...

"The question is who am I, now. Who's the commander of death if there's no one left to kill?"

...who was calling him...

"Bellamy, I haven't had water in two days. If it doesn't rain soon, I don't know if-"

...again...

"Bellamy, I've been on my own for two months now, but this is the first time I've felt alone-"

...and again...

"How am I going to make it five years, Bellamy?"

"Please, please, _please_..."

He didn't even know what he was begging for, for this to continue or for it to stop. He just knew that the emotions in Clarke’s voice were rawer than any she'd ever shared with him. He felt her sadness, her despair, her loneliness as if he was the one who was suffering them. But also her joy, her generosity, her tenderness, as if he was there to live them.

During his six years in space, during his darkest moments, he had often wished to be on Earth, often pictured what would have happened if he'd stayed down there with Clarke. Would he have died immediately? Could he have helped her in any way? Would they have stayed in Becca's lab until they finally died of hunger and thirst? 

But nothing ever compared to what he was feeling right now.

He listened to her messages, the ones she had addressed him every day for 6 years and he wanted nothing more than to be there with her. Go back in time, across space to live each of these moments by her side, to hold her hand when she doubted herself, to smile at her over Madi's shoulder, to take her in his arms when she was sad. 

All this time wasted and for what? Why?

When Clarke's voice stopped playing and no radio played the calls which he thought lost forever, he paused and leaned his palms on the tower to catch his breath and try to put his emotions back in check. Unspeakable chaos had invaded him and everything seemed to be in question, so much that he couldn't calm down.

"Breathe," he commanded himself.

It's only when he regained a certain kind of composure, a combination of self-pity and fatality, that the radio next to his right-hand started cracking, and Clarke's voice said:

"Bellamy? It's been 2000 days since Praimfaya. Madi just fell asleep. It's late, but she wouldn't close her eyes until I finished my story. You know, the ones where I talk about Octavia are her favorites. The girl under the floor, sent to Earth to survive, who became a powerful warrior, and saved the human race... If I let her choose, I'd tell her this story every night."

She laughed but, under the light tone, he could hear her exhaustion and a dull sadness that broke his heart.

" _ My _ favorite stories are the ones about the devoted brother who took a ton of risks to follow her to Earth. The arrogant young man who only existed for his little sister and who finally became the rebel king that everyone respected. It's you, Bellamy, my favorite. You’ve changed so much since our first days on Earth. You became the leader I've always seen in you, the man who was able to listen to what his head told him rather than his heart..."

This was the longest call he had heard so far and his heart was racing in his chest. He didn't dare make a move or say a word, afraid that the radio would turn off and take the rest of the message into its silence. He let the tears flow silently on his cheeks and listened carefully.

"I promised myself I would wait-," she went on, and the tears began to choke her voice, "-wait for you to come back and tell you this in person. Because these are not the kind of things that you say through a radio that probably doesn't work, but it's been 2000 days, Bellamy. 2000 days you've been gone. 2,000 days that I don't know if you're alive or-"

Her voice became silent and for a second, he feared that the communication had broken. Her muffled cries could still be heard and his whole being longed to comfort her.

"You're so important to me, Bellamy."

_ "You're too important to me..." _

"I wish I'd realized it sooner- before it was too late and life took you away from me. I've been thinking a lot since Praimfaya, you know, about you, about me, about us. I’ve had all the time in the world to feel the regrets and remorse left by all that was unsaid and all the missed opportunities. And I realized that-"

Clarke took a deep breath and he did the same. He already knew that what she was about to say would change his world forever, would affect everything he once thought he knew and felt.

"I think I loved you, Bellamy- I was in love with you. And in a way, maybe I still am. Hanging on to the ghost of who you were five and a half years ago. And I think you loved me too, even though I can never be sure. I’ve replayed all our memories, all of our conversations and it's obvious, in this unique way in which we complement each other..."

_ "The heart and the head..." _

Gravity was reversing. The world was spinning and the universe around it. The only thing that kept him centered was her voice as she carried on:

"I miss you so much. It's so hard without you here. So hard not to know if I'll ever see you again or when you'll come home to me."

_ "And now you're home..." _

Her name fell on his lips before he couldn't help it.

"Clarke-"

"And by then, I won't know you anymore. We will be nothing but strangers. What do six years spent in space represent compared to what - six months?- spent on Earth? I've changed, and you won't be the same, and it scares me so much, Bellamy. Yet sometimes it's the only thing that keeps me alive, keeps me going, knowing that you will come back and that I will have the chance to get to know you again, to learn to love you again... "

The words were like stab wounds cutting through his chest.

He wanted to hear them again and didn't want to hear them anymore all at the same time.

He wished he'd known all of that before and wished he'd stayed in the dark.

Bellamy could no longer think, he knew that his thread of thoughts would end him.

"-or maybe simply realize that I never stopped..."

The red light on the radio went out at the same time as a crushing rage overwhelmed him and he shoved his fist violently at the device, which shattered under the force of his wrath. The cry that escaped him was more animal than human. His emotions were an undefined whirlwind, a tornado that sucked everything in its path, devastating; a storm that loomed, loud, and relentless. His tears kept rolling down his cheeks. He didn't know how that was still possible with all the tears he'd shed over the past three days.

The pain he was feeling was so strong, it wrecked everything in its path and only left behind a desolate landscape. The "what ifs" were dancing in his mind in a crazy and chaotic spiral that was destroying him. 

What if they had known that the Nightblood worked?

What if he had stayed on Earth with her?

What if she had come up to space with him?

What if they had had more time?

What if he'd heard her messages?

What if he had known she had survived?

What if she had been aware of her feelings?

What if he had dared to face his own?

He felt like he was divided into two entities. A part of him was collapsing in front of these memories of the past but knew how to put them wisely in the boxes to which they belong, those, precisely, of the past.

The other one was breaking into thousands of pieces, each one reflecting the one he was all these years ago, the one to whom Clarke sent all these unanswered radio calls.

It was when he desperately sought a way to bring together these two parts of himself who were refusing to coexist that Gabriel's voice reached him.

"I warned you that you never really get used to the noise..."

Despite his heavy breath and the dull pain in his chest, he managed to stand up and face him before answering:

"I thought you were referring to the Anomaly."

Gabriel's eyes were full of sympathy. 

"Well, one doesn't necessarily exclude the other. After all, it's the Anomaly that absorbs all these lost signals and sends them back here. Without it, these messages would probably be forever forgotten."

"What a waste."

Gabriel seemed to grasp the irony in his voice and approached before pointing to the radio just above their heads.

"150 years later, this radio still broadcasts some calls from Josephine..."

As if to validate his statement, the red light came to life and a crystal clear voice hummed "Gabrieeeeel".

The man's smile in front of Bellamy was broken when he added:

"Sometimes I wonder if the Anomaly isn't having fun playing what I dread hearing the most..."

Bellamy ended his sentence for him:

"...Or what you long to hear the most."

He nodded silently and Bellamy knew that they at least understood each other.

"This is what the Anomaly does, it reflects our deepest desires and our strongest fears. I was never able to figure out if it applied here or not."

Bellamy hesitated a long time, argued with himself, still exhausted from these last days, still trembling from what he'd just heard. Then he asked the question he was most desperate to know the answer to:

"How do we know if what we hear is one or the other?"

A deep and sincere understanding filled Gabriel eyes when he answered:

"Sometimes it's both."

Bellamy sighed while looking back at the strange edifice in front of them.

"You should go back to rest, Bellamy," Gabriel told him.

He snorted. Sleep was not in the plans anymore.

"At least take this. The nights are cold in the forest and Octavia and Clarke will need you healthy tomorrow," Gabriel said, removing and offering him his cardigan.

Bellamy was about to refuse when he quickly added:

"Don't even think about saying no, one stubborn Blake is enough."

This time, Bellamy's smile was genuine as he put on the warm jacket.

"Thank you, Gabriel."

The old man nodded and disappeared inside. Already, Bellamy's attention was focusing back on the tower in front of him.

He just wanted to listen to the Clarke he left behind six years ago once again.

"Just once", he tried to convince himself.

After he'll go back to the Clarke he got back. Perhaps over time, he would finally be able to connect these two parts of her, which seemed so different but formed a unique wonderful being.

And, perhaps, at her side, Bellamy would become whole again.

**Author's Note:**

> Did you like it? Please I want to hear your thoughts, let me know what you think! 
> 
> And also... 9 days!!!


End file.
